From: don (Don Levinstone)
Would the invention of the telephone ever have gotten off the
ground if Alexander Graham Bell's first call had gone...
Bell: Mr. Watson, come here; I want you.
Voice: If you know Watson's extension, press 1 now. If you
would like to leave a message for Watson, press 2. If
you need further assistance, hold the line for the next
The telephone, which was satisfied for a century or so simply
placing and receiving calls, has become a different animal in
recent years. These days, everybody has an answering machine, a
speakerphone, and a slew of other telecommunication doodads. Call
waiting, caller ID, and last-number redial are fine, but here are
some options that can't be far behind.
ON-HOLD DISRUPT: When someone puts you on hold for more than
15 seconds, a digitized voice blares over his or her
speakerphone, "Hey! Remember me? I don't have all day!" (This
option also shorts out Muzak if it's being played.)
CALL SCHMOOZING: Stuck listening to a long-winded
acquaintance? Call schmoozing activates a speech-synthesized
voice that sounds just like you and repeats "Uh-huh...I
see...right" while the other party babbles on. He or she
thinks you're hanging on every word, when you're actually
getting your work done.
CALL SCHMOOZING PLUS: Your phone places calls to important
contacts, trades pleasantries, probes for career-enhancing
information, and ends by saying, "You're beautiful. Let's do
lunch. Don't ever change."
GOSSIP NOTIFICATION: Company rumors are automatically
broadcast to selected voice mailboxes. Time once wasted
circulating gossip translates into increased productivity.
CALL TERMINATE: Imagine being able to fire troublesome
employees just by dialing their numbers! An excellent feature
for executives with poor confrontation skills.
NETWORK EAVESDROP: A must for the paranoid manager. Whenever
anyone in the company mentions your name during a phone
conversation, a voice-activated tape-recorder stores the call
so you can review it later and hear what people are saying
SELECTIVE CALL DISCOURAGING: Program the numbers of people
you really don't want to speak with. When they dial your
number, your phone transmits a mild electric shock through
CELLULAR CRANK CALL: On command, your car phone can dial any
other car phone within a 30-mile radius and tell the driver
his muffler looks as though it's about to fall off.
CALL REMINDING: Store the birthdays and anniversaries of
loved ones in your telephone's memory. On the appropriate
days, the phone automatically calls them and relays heartfelt
sentiments in a digitized voice simulating your own.
CALL INTERRUPT: When you need to end a conversation quickly,
a button on your phone causes a fake operator to break in and
announce that you have an emergency call on the line from
SUBLIMINA-CALL: Periodically during a conversation, the phone
plays subliminal messages to the other party, such as "Say
yes" and "Increase my department's budget."
CHARGE-FORWARDING: A quick push of a button charges any long-
distance call to the person you're calling or to friends who
don't look too closely at their phone bills.
in the GNU Humor Collection.
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obtained from the FSF's email
archives of the GNU Project.
The Free Software Foundation claims no copyright on this joke.