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BREAKING: Knocking Down The HACIENDA

GNU hackers opened the GHM by revealing the offensive HACIENDA global surveillance program for TWD, and how to knock it down with stealth TCP services! Watch it now! [more]

Phone Features

From: don (Don Levinstone)

Would the invention of the telephone ever have gotten off the
ground if Alexander Graham Bell's first call had gone...
 
    Bell: Mr. Watson, come here; I want you.
 
    Voice: If you know Watson's extension, press 1 now. If you
          would like to leave a message for Watson, press 2. If
          you need further assistance, hold the line for the next
          available representative....
 
The telephone, which was satisfied for a century or so simply
placing and receiving calls, has become a different animal in
recent years. These days, everybody has an answering machine, a
speakerphone, and a slew of other telecommunication doodads. Call
waiting, caller ID, and last-number redial are fine, but here are
some options that can't be far behind.
 
    ON-HOLD DISRUPT: When someone puts you on hold for more than
    15 seconds, a digitized voice blares over his or her
    speakerphone, "Hey! Remember me? I don't have all day!" (This
    option also shorts out Muzak if it's being played.)
 
    CALL SCHMOOZING: Stuck listening to a long-winded
    acquaintance? Call schmoozing activates a speech-synthesized
    voice that sounds just like you and repeats "Uh-huh...I
    see...right" while the other party babbles on. He or she
    thinks you're hanging on every word, when you're actually
    getting your work done.
 
    CALL SCHMOOZING PLUS: Your phone places calls to important
    contacts, trades pleasantries, probes for career-enhancing
    information, and ends by saying, "You're beautiful. Let's do
    lunch. Don't ever change."
 
    GOSSIP NOTIFICATION: Company rumors are automatically
    broadcast to selected voice mailboxes. Time once wasted
    circulating gossip translates into increased productivity.
 
    CALL TERMINATE: Imagine being able to fire troublesome
    employees just by dialing their numbers! An excellent feature
    for executives with poor confrontation skills.
 
    NETWORK EAVESDROP: A must for the paranoid manager. Whenever
    anyone in the company mentions your name during a phone
    conversation, a voice-activated tape-recorder stores the call
    so you can review it later and hear what people are saying
    about you.
 
    SELECTIVE CALL DISCOURAGING: Program the numbers of people
    you really don't want to speak with. When they dial your
    number, your phone transmits a mild electric shock through
    their receivers.
 
    CELLULAR CRANK CALL: On command, your car phone can dial any
    other car phone within a 30-mile radius and tell the driver
    his muffler looks as though it's about to fall off.
 
    CALL REMINDING: Store the birthdays and anniversaries of
    loved ones in your telephone's memory. On the appropriate
    days, the phone automatically calls them and relays heartfelt
    sentiments in a digitized voice simulating your own.
 
    CALL INTERRUPT: When you need to end a conversation quickly,
    a button on your phone causes a fake operator to break in and
    announce that you have an emergency call on the line from
    Steve Jobs.
 
    SUBLIMINA-CALL: Periodically during a conversation, the phone
    plays subliminal messages to the other party, such as "Say
    yes" and "Increase my department's budget."
 
    CHARGE-FORWARDING: A quick push of a button charges any long-
    distance call to the person you're calling or to friends who
    don't look too closely at their phone bills.

Other humor in the GNU Humor Collection.

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